Diets Are Pick-Me's

Why every diet is like that girl we all knew in high school who was just 'one of the boys' 🤮

I don’t diet anymore. That’s kind of the deal with eating disorder recovery - they make you say adios to calorie counting and the magic of rice cakes. But what I find amusing about diets is their marketing - have you ever noticed how they all sound like a pick-me girl? “I’m not like other diets…I’m a lifestyle.”

Shut up. We all know what that means - it means I’m going to be super into you at first then eventually lose interest because food is too good to give up.

Diets are just like relationships because when you first start them you’re SO committed. You’re meal prepping, counting calories, avoiding all the ‘bad’ foods. Then after a while you hit a rough patch, see an ad for Domino’s pizza on Instagram, and all of a sudden you’re wet for some reason.

That’s when you start bargaining with yourself right? I can cheat once, it’s not gonna ruin the diet, and no one will know. Then eventually it gets to the point where you’re like, “Yeah I can’t do this anymore - it’s not you, it’s me. I fucked a cheesecake last night.”

Fad diets are the worst ones, in my opinion. They’re super quick and make so many promises - just like my last boyfriend. The fad diets promise crazy shit like “for two weeks all you have to do is eat air and sunshine and you’ll lose 10 pounds!” What they don’t tell you is that after the two weeks, you’re so constipated you could lay a foundation for a house.

And why is that? Because diets are horrible for you!!! Think about it. They’re always promising you that you’ll feel amazing, and look better - they’re like your shitty ex who says “I just want what’s best for you.” No, you don’t, John. You just want me to stop wearing low-cut shirts around your Dad (just me? Okay cool).

The only thing I’ve lost on a diet is my will to live - and that is already in short supply so we’re really pulling from the reserves here.

I tried Whole30 one time and boy was it a journey. First week: killin’ it. Second week: doing okay. Third week: I was swaying on the side of a bridge staring at the water until I blinked and realized I was staring at my fridge. Same feeling, honestly.

The problem is that we as Americans talk about food like it’s the enemy. Oh, I can’t have fries with that, I’m trying to be good. What, like the fries are gonna Trojan horse into your body to release thousands of troops and take over? You’re gonna be fine.

We also qualify our food decisions based on our behavior. Have you ever noticed when you’re out to dinner with friends/family/coworkers that when you order, you almost make excuses for what you’re ordering? I’m having a salad because I’ve been bad this week. Or, I’m gonna get a sandwich because I went for a run this morning. Can you imagine if we talked about anything else like that?

Yea I crashed my car into the Arby’s cause I’ve gone so long without getting a speeding ticket.

We let little Tommy poop his pants because he behaved at school today! Proud of you, kiddo.

I say all this to bring it back here: I had a 15-year-long eating disorder that spawned from years of dieting. I’ve been in recovery for one year and already my relationship with food and my body are polar opposite from what they were. And I don’t plan on going back.

So the next time you’re cleansing for a wedding or buying some tea that’ll make you shit your brains out, remember this - no diet will ever fill the hole in your stomach like a piece of chocolate cake will.